If I Said I Was Sorry
by LindsayC173
Summary: If I said I was sorry ... what would you do? In an attempt to save his relationship with Astoria, Draco finds himself apologising to all those he has ever hurt.
1. Introduction

**What Would Happen?**

What would happen if I apologised to everyone I've ever wronged. Would it make no difference at all? Is "sorry" just a word, that doesn't really mean anything? Or does it have healing powers, the way Astoria seems to think it does. She tells me if I can apologise, at least in my head, to all the people I've hurt, and forgive myself, then I'll be able to finally escape the guilt and regret that plague me. I've always just ignored her, believing that nothing can possible heal me, but I wonder whether perhaps she's right.

I may have messed things up with Astoria. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I'm just so stupid and idiotic that I said a lot of things I didn't mean, and now she's gone. I never wanted to hurt her, and I wish I could tell her that. Perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll be able to build up the courage to go and apologise to her, something I've never done before in my life.

I don't know if I'm going to be brave enough, though. I don't know if I'll just end up messing it up and making everything even worse. Perhaps I should practice first. That's why I'm writing this down in the little notebook she gave me for my birthday. I hope that perhaps if I can apologise to everyone else first – not in real life, but at least on paper – then it might be a little easier when I come to the most important apology I will make in my life.

Alright, here goes …


	2. Harry - Would You Care?

**Would You Care?**

If I said I was sorry, would you care? I doubt it. Why should you? You're a big hero now; why would you care about a pathetic little coward like me? You've just saved the entire Wizarding World. And what have I done? Failed to be a proper Death Eater. Failed to kill Dumbledore. Failed to realise in time that my true loyalties have always been with Hogwarts. Failed.

You saved my life, though, so maybe you do care about me a little bit. Or maybe that's just something Gryffindors do. I don't know. You must have forgiven me a little bit, though, to do something like that. Mustn't you?

Maybe not. Maybe you're just a better person than most. Does it matter? I suppose it doesn't, really. Except that it would be great to know you'd saved me because you felt my life was at least a little bit worth saving, rather than through some stupid sense of obligation. Written down, that looks ridiculous. Of course you didn't save me because you thought my life was worth saving. My life _wasn't _worth saving, and never will be.

I _am _sorry, not that it matters to you. It matters to me. Sometimes I wish I _wasn't _sorry. It would be so lovely if I could just think back over the things I did without regretting them at all. Sometimes I wish I was just purely evil, like the Dark Lord or Aunt Bellatrix or Greyback, and only ever thought of myself. It would certainly be easier to sleep at night. But then I remember some of the bravery I've seen, and the love and the kindness and the sacrifice, and I know I have to be a part of that, even if it's only by regretting that I'm not. I know I'd rather be haunted by regret for the rest of my life than live happily and without a care, if it means that maybe I'm not such a terrible person after all.

Somehow I doubt I'll ever actually apologise to you, or thank you for saving my life. I'm a Slytherin, you see, and we're too proud to do that, even when we have nothing left to be proud of. Isn't that stupid? I'll say it now, though, when you can't hear me.

I'm sorry.


	3. Ron - Would You Believe Me?

**Would You Believe Me?**

If I said I was sorry, would you believe me? I can answer that myself: of course you wouldn't. You'd probably say that the Draco Malfoy you knew would never say sorry, and you'd be right. He wouldn't. But I'm not him anymore. I've been through things you could never begin to imagine. Not that I'm saying I've suffered more than you, because I haven't. We've all suffered in this awful war, and I know you've sacrificed a lot, perhaps more than most.

All I'm saying is that you have people to support you and worry about you and be relieved when you survived. What's it like, having real friends and loads of siblings and parents who care about you?

I've always been a little jealous of you, you know. Perhaps that sounds odd. After all, I took great pains to rub it in your face that I had so much more than you: money and position and power. But really, all I wanted was what you had. Do you know how lucky you are? Probably not.

I know I'll never apologise to your face, because you scare me a little. A lot, in fact. I think you'd probably just laugh at me, or ignore me altogether. So, coward that I am, I'll just say it now.

I'm sorry.


	4. Hermione - Would You Forgive Me?

**Would You Forgive Me?**

If I said I was sorry, would you forgive me? I think you might. You strike me as a forgiving person, even if a lot of the things I've said to you seem pretty unforgiveable. The worst being mud– no. I can't even write the word anymore, not after what was done to you for it. You scream just like everybody else, and your blood's no different from mine. And besides, you're a lot more intelligent than any pureblood I've ever met.

I think that's maybe why I hated you, not for your blood, but for your intelligence. I was jealous. But you know that already, don't you? Or do you? You certainly seem more perceptive than most people, so you probably figured it out.

It's hard to know if you'd forgive me. Maybe you wouldn't. Or maybe you already have. You're a difficult person to read. Most people are fairly predictable, but you always surprise me. I've thought about a million times that I had you pegged down, and then you'd go and do something to completely prove me wrong. I certainly never expected you to hit me, that time in third year. Do you remember that? I suppose I deserved it. It certainly woke me up. Not that I learned the lesson I should have from it.

Anyway, I guess I'll never know what you'd say if I apologised, because I'm not going to. Too ashamed, I guess, to actually look you in the face. I wish I wasn't.

I'm sorry.


	5. Lucius - Would I Be Lying?

**Would I Be Lying?**

If I said I was sorry, would I be lying? Yes, I think perhaps I would. I didn't used to think so. I used to think I regretted the way I'd failed you and let you down. I tried and tried and tried to be the perfect son you wanted, but it was never quite enough. I was always doing something wrong, or not living up to your expectations, and I hated myself for it.

It wasn't until recently that I realised maybe it was _you_ who had failed _me_, and you who should be apologising. Isn't a father supposed to be proud of his son, no matter what he does? Shouldn't you have been looking out for me, and putting my welfare before your loyalty to the Dark Lord? Because, from what I've seen of most parents, that seems to be the way they generally behave. Maybe Malfoys just aren't very good at that. I hope I can be better than you, if I'm ever a father.

So no, I'm not going to apologise to you properly, because I don't think you deserve it. But somewhere inside me I am a little sorry, not for failing to live up to your explanations, but for abandoning you now. No, you don't deserve my loyalty, but families are supposed to stick by one another, no matter what they do. I just can't.

I'm sorry.


	6. Molly - Would You Hate Me For It?

**Would You Hate Me For It?**

If I said I was sorry, would you hate me for it? Would you say I had no right? Not that I've done anything to you personally, but that's not the only use of the words "I'm sorry", is it? People say it when someone's died, to their family and friends. That's what I wanted to do.

You see, I saw you the other day. You were walking down Diagon Alley and you didn't notice me, hiding away by a little bookshop. I heard about your son's death, and the slump of your shoulders and that really sad, helpless look in your eyes made it very clear it had affected you badly. I've never understood before why people say, "I'm sorry" after a death. After all, it's generally not the people who were actually responsible who say it, so why apologise? What difference does it make?

Seeing you there, though, I think I finally did understand. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so absolutely crushed as you did that day, and it struck me how incredibly unfair it was. No mother should have to bury her own son. I felt a sudden urge to apologise, not on behalf of myself, but on behalf of the universe, fate or whatever had caused that to happen.

I didn't, though. I was worried you would just be angry with me, for even daring to say it. Now, looking back, I don't think you would have been. I don't know you very well, but from the tiny glimpses I've seen, I don't think there's a single person in the world that loves as deeply and as passionately and as unconditionally as you. I think you'd have accepted my apology, no matter what I'd done. Because you don't judge people; you just love them. But I missed by chance.

I'm sorry.


	7. Pansy - Would It Make A Difference?

**Would It Make A Difference?**

If I said I was sorry, would it make a difference? I know you're angry with me, and I suppose you have every right to be. I didn't exactly treat you very well, did I? I used you when it was convenient, and I told you whatever you wanted to hear, even of it was generally a lie, and whenever I got bored I would ditch you, confident that you would still be around when I wanted you again. Basically, I was a complete jerk.

And then, just as you thought I might be growing up a little, I started dating someone else. Then again, perhaps that's the kindest thing I've ever done in our stupid, on-and-off relationship. It was certainly the most honest. Because I'm in love with her, and I never was with you. I don't think you were ever in love with me either. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who actually cares about you, and treats you like you're important to him.

I'm not actually going to tell you I'm sorry, because I know you'll just yell at me again. But perhaps one day you'll realise that by breaking up with you what I actually did was set you free, and maybe you'll thank me for it. On the other hand, maybe you'll just be furious that I didn't do it earlier. I could have saved you a lot of pain if I had.

I'm sorry.


	8. Neville - Would You Listen?

**Would You Listen?**

If I said I was sorry, would you listen? I know you're pretty busy nowadays, what with being a war hero and all that. Why waste time listening to someone like me? Then again, you're not exactly arrogant, and I don't think you'd abuse your newfound fame.

I treated you pretty badly, didn't I? Called you some horrible things. And I think it hurt you quite a lot at first, but you had something I didn't. You had friends to tell you to ignore me, and to tell you that you were a better person than I was. I'd have given anything for friends like that. Your friends accepted you for exactly who you were, and not just because you were rich or your father was influential, and I'm not sure you'll ever know just how lucky you were, and still are, to have friends like that.

If I were brave enough to apologise, would you give me a second chance? I won't, because I wouldn't know how to behave around someone like you. I wouldn't be able to laugh and joke easily, without worrying about what my father would think or whether people might be judging me or laughing at me.

Only one person has ever been able to make me relax and be myself. And even then it took a very long time. I'm not sure I ever will relax around other people.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not very good with people, but I suppose that doesn't excuse the way I bullied you.

I'm sorry.


	9. Luna - Would You Understand?

**Would You Understand?**

If I said I was sorry, would you understand? Yes, I think you would. I used to call you crazy and laugh at you like everyone else, but I know better now. You're not crazy; you just refuse to conform to how people think you should behave, and I respect you for that. More than I respect myself, certainly.

You watch people, I've noticed that. Watch them properly, not the way gossips watch and exaggerate their every move, but in a deep, very perceptive way. You watch not _what _they do, but why they do it. And that's why I think you'd understand. I think you know why I did all the things I did, and while I'm sure you didn't agree with them, I think you probably understand them.

I don't need to apologise to you, because you already know how sorry I am. And I don't think I really hurt you very much, because you're too strong to be hurt by stupid comments from a guy like me. Nevertheless, I regret the stupid comments.

I'm sorry.


	10. Astoria - Would You Take Me Back?

**Would You Take Me Back?**

If I said I was sorry, would you take me back? I know I've been a bit of a prat, and said some stupid things, but you must know I didn't mean any of that. You mean so much to me. When I'm with you none of that stuff in the past matters anymore. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm worth something.

You gave me a chance when nobody else would; can't you do that again? Do you remember the moment we met? I was so sure you'd glare at me, or say something horrible, or just ignore me like most people do at the moment. But instead you just smiled at me, as though I were a normal human being, and not a monster.

I've never actually apologised to someone properly before, but I will apologise to you, because you're the one person who means more to me than anything else in the world. Pride and shame and fear and everything that's prevented me from apologising in the past is irrelevant compared to the chance that I might lose you.

I'm not very good at this, so I really hope you'll be kind to me. I don't know what I'll do if you're not. Oh well, in a few hours I'll know. I'm not going to say sorry now, because it's going to take every ounce of courage I possess to do it later on, to your face.

I love you.


End file.
